Neglect

Hello Blog, this is Cara! Nice to meet you.
Okay in all serious, I know I've neglected my blog over the past week. I will try and catch up over the weekend.

I have to admit it has been a hard beginning to the school year. Lots of new stuff going on with work (ended up with a much higher level of students than in the past) So many changes and all in all just a stressful place to work.

Working out EVERY morning b/c Joe has been working nights so can't go to the gym them. I've been really good this week. Getting up at 5 every morning to pump then go to the gym.
Really Really Really missing Calais during the day. It's been hard going to work and not getting to hang out with baby girl during the day. I want to tear up each time I think about how much I miss her during the day. Thankfully Joe and I have been able to video chat most days (except for the past few when I've had working lunches) and I can see Calais on the video. I think she can actually recognize me when I talk to her on the computer, which is nice!

I really look forward to the weekends where we can be an actual family and have us all hang out at the same time.

Here's a pic from our trip to the pool last night!

Day 6

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Being a new mom I hope that I never have to bury my child. I can't imagine anything worse. When you bring a child into this world you want to give them everything they could possibly ever want.

With an infant, I feel like new moms are constantly warned about SIDS. One of my biggest fears is that something like that could actually happen. Calais has slept in her Pack N Play in our bedroom for her first five months. We have just started putting her in her crib in her room at night. I get up at least 1 x an hour just to check on her and make sure she is okay. On a few occasions, when we put her down for her nap, she will propel herself onto her tummy and then just scream b/c she doesn't like it. I worry that one time she won't scream and we won't know to flip her back. Losing a child is a scary thing and it's in the back of my mind all the time. I hope it's something we don't ever have to deal with.

Day 5

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

This is an easy one. I hope to actually make a difference in ALL aspects of my life...work, home and friends.

At work, I'd like to think that I continue to make differences in the kids lives that I teach or come in contact with. The school I work at is a residential mental health facility. Think of the worst SPED kids you could imagine, now times it by 100 and that's what I get every day. I'd like to think that I give them a little bit of hope, or that I believe in them and they have a safe place to be when they are in my classroom.

At home, I'd like to make a difference in they way we live. Try to live greener, grow our own food, make our own food, live a healthier lifestyle. I think we are well on our way, but of course there are so many more things that we could do!

With friends, I'd like to think that they are different because they know me. Whether it's because I've made them smile today or made them think of things differently for just a little bit!

Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This is one I've also thought a lot about. I don't want to just write something that says yes I've forgiven everyone that has made fun of me! Is there anything anyone has done to me that I'm still holding a grudge against or I still get upset when I think about it. I'd have to say no, not necessarily. There are a few instances where I feel sad at the way something turned out and I wish both parties could take back what was said or done, or not done.

So the thing that I want to forgive someone for is friends in college that I no longer keep in touch with. And this is a complete two way street. It's not that they did something wrong, it's that we both did something wrong. I miss some of the friendships that could of lasted over all these years. I hope that in the future we are all able to move on and continue to have our friendships renewed and created stronger! (even if we no longer live close!)

Day 3

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Why is it so much easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves?

I'd like to forgive myself for not always participating in the here and now. I have a hard time just sitting and focusing on the moment. I'm always worried about what is next and thinking about what I need to do in my head. I'd like to say to myself that it's okay. Realize that I'm like that and attempt to make the change. Focus on those moments that Joe and I are just sitting on the couch holding baby girl. Try to not worry about my classroom or finances or what's for dinner. I don't want twenty years to go by and I realize I've never just been in the moment with my family.

Day 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love the fact that I'm a mom. I love waking up and see her smile first thing in the morning. I love the way she lights up when she sees me. I love how she likes to grab CB. I love that I no longer get sleep and I feel tired all the time.

Being a mom has turned out to be NOTHING and EVERYTHING that I thought it would be like. It's definitely so much more and I couldn't imagine life without her. I'm so glad this chapter of my life has started and can't wait for all the ups and downs that come with it!

Day 1

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I find it odd that this is the first truth we are supposed to talk about. It makes me wonder why so many young girls grow up hating too many things about themselves. Probably from a very early age we are taught by what is in media "is" the acceptable norms. Open any magazine and you will know what I'm talking about...skinny, tan, blonde etc. It's hard...I crave for the day where I completely accept who I am. Especially now, how can I teach my daughter to love who she is, if it's a struggle for me!

I also like that this is the first truth in the 30 day truths...Being a new mom and trying to shed my pregnant body is hard. It would be so easy to just say "weight" is what I hate about myself. But I'm going to choose something that I've had a difficult time dealing with since I was little. I also wish I could choose something that wasn't so superficial...however I'm not going to. I'm choosing something that has been with me since the day I was born.

Something I have always hated about myself is my skin color. I was also made fun of when I was little because of how pale I am. Even at a few months shy of 30 I still wrestle with my feelings. Thankfully, lately I've been more on the like side, but that could just be because I've had more important issues to deal with. I haven't met many people that are as pale as I am. I've been called every name possible...and I can still remember certain occasions from my childhood that illicit tears to this day.